


By Light of Day (For How Much Longer)

by bluemermaid



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Female Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2806409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemermaid/pseuds/bluemermaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's buried it so deep over the years that he's even fooled himself, and it doesn't bother him.  But truths like to come back around at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By Light of Day (For How Much Longer)

He notices her right away, because who wouldn't? She's got brilliantly blue hair and she runs up to the chair as though she couldn't be more excited to wear that tattered old intimidating hat. Charlie Weasley knows which house he wants to go to, but it's another thing entirely to feel like you _deserve_ to go there, no matter how enthusiastically Bill is cheering him on from amidst the other Gryffindors.

"Tonks, Nymphadora" jams the Sorting Hat over her eyes and wriggles around on her seat, giggling quietly to herself as Professor McGonagall awaits the decision. It seems to take forever; the young girl's fidgeting increases, and she makes a scoffing sound of disbelief. Then the hat's seam splits open wide and it shouts, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Thank you," Nymphadora Tonks tells him, leaping up and knocking the chair over in the process. "Oops, sorry about that." She laughs and darts off, taking a seat amongst the badgers and letting out a whoop of delight.

Charlie can't imagine anyone ever being so excited to be a Hufflepuff. But Nymphadora has already changed her hair color to yellow and is cheering as loudly as the rest of her new classmates. It's strange; this girl is strange. Charlie doesn't take too much time to ponder it, however, because it's nearly his turn now and his heart is racing with dreams of scarlet and gold.

He does get into Gryffindor, and he feels vindicated, as though that house alone is the only way for him to foster his independence. Bill claps him on the back and Charlie feels a thrill go through him, an excitement to be finally initiated into the true world of magic. And so he doesn't really think about the strange Hufflepuff girl at all, really.

He will wonder, much later, how he was able to ever do such a thing: forget about the Tonks girl and go back to such an innocent life.

**

"Hi! I'm Tonks. You're Charlie, right?" She's practically bouncing in place. Today her hair is in two plaits; the one on the left is blonde, and the other side is black.

Charlie grins and extends his hand. "Yeah," he replies, "Charlie Weasley. And aren't you Nymphadora?"

She makes an exaggerated face of disgust. "Never ever," she says, and only after this does she take his hand with her slightly sticky fingers. "I'm just Tonks, if you please."

"Okay, Tonks," says Charlie, as they shake. "Next time, though, lay off the Chocolate Frogs before a match, eh? Or at least wash your hands afterward."

Tonks laughs, and it's infectious. Charlie laughs too, and suddenly feels as though he is having a moment. Of course he knows Tonks, he's seen her in class a million times over the years, but they have never spoken, never really looked at one another. Now suddenly they've both managed to make Quidditch Captain and here they are shaking hands before their very first match against one another and Tonks is laughing because she's got sticky fingers and Charlie realizes that she's beautiful. And it's not because she's got deep brown eyes or colorful hair, either. It's because when she laughs, he laughs too.

He almost doesn't want to beat her in the match; almost.

**

Tonks catches his eye sometimes, in Herbology or across the Great Hall, and she pulls funny faces at him, sticking her tongue out and crossing her eyes. Sometimes she uses her special ability to give herself a pig's snout or rabbit ears. Charlie always rolls his eyes and chuckles at her, shaking his head, then goes back to whatever he's been doing as though it doesn't matter to him.

"Who is that girl?" Bill asks one time, when they are standing in the courtyard. Tonks has just breezed past in her bouncy way and poked Charlie hard in the ribs, then ran off laughing when he jokingly pretended to hex her.

"Her? That's just Tonks," Charlie replies, smiling at his brother. "Sort of a friend of mine."

Bill gives him a knowing smirk. "Sort of a friend. Right." 

"It isn't like _that_ ," Charlie insists, and Bill laughs at him. "I hardly even see her. She's just this Hufflepuff girl that likes jokes. She's funny."

Bill eyes her retreating figure in a way that makes Charlie uncomfortable. "Yeah, she seems all right," Bill says eventually, then looks down at Charlie's hands. "Just a friend, though, right?"

Charlie follows his brother's gaze; he hadn't even realized that he'd been clenching his fists. "Yeah," he says, shaking his fingers out. "Just a friend."

At this point in his life, he still believes that. But he wonders for how much longer that will be true.

**

"Hey," Tonks whispers, and Charlie startles out of his seat. "Want to go do something fun?"

He looks around the library; there are students everywhere. It's nearly end of term and exams are coming up for everyone. Charlie's been trying to study Potions and History of Magic but he is failing at both of them. What he's actually been doing is slowly falling asleep over his books, until Tonks appears and whispers in his ear. "What fun thing could we possibly do in the library?" Charlie asks her quietly, so as not to arouse the wrath of Madam Pince.

She rolls her eyes. "Did I say we'd stay in the library?" Charlie startles as she nearly pulls the chair out from under him. "Come on, I can feel a sneeze coming on. I think I'm allergic to books."

"Not very responsible of you, planning fun adventures when exams are just around the corner." Charlie shuts his book and rises from his seat. He feels a giddy sense of excitement bubbling up inside of him at the prospect of an adventure with Tonks.

They grin at one another, the shared joy of the thrill. "Did I ever say I was responsible?" She waggles her eyebrows. "We're children, still, Charles. Let's make the most of it."

"Don't call me Charles," he says, and reaches out to tug at one of her plaits (today they are both pink). "Nymphadora."

"Ouch," she replies, dancing away from him. Her eyes glitter. "No more Charles, then."

They end up outdoors, Tonks twirling in the sunlight as Charlie rushes along behind. "I sense a tree with our names on it," Tonks says excitedly, clapping her hands together. She gestures off into the distance, where the Weeping Willow tosses and turns in the wind.

Charlie shakes his head. "Er, no," he says. "I'm plenty thick-headed, but I'm not _that_ thick."

She laughs. "You aren't frightened, are you? I've heard there's a spell to calm the beast, if you're brave enough to get close."

"Look, I'd do almost anything with you," he says, and laughs when he realizes that he means it, a laugh of pleasure mixed with madness, the thought that he is a fallen man. "But that does not include getting whipped by a furious living plant."

"Coward," Tonks chides playfully. "All plants are living, in case you'd forgotten. But if you'd prefer a non-moving one, there are plenty of those in the forest."

"The Forbidden Forest?"

"No, the Chocolate one."

"Ha, hilarious."

"Come along, friend, and venture into the trees with me. You wouldn't let a girl go off by herself, would you?"

"I imagine you're the last girl who'd ever need protecting," Charlie tells her, grinning, as they walk along together, closer and closer to the shadow of the forest.

"Oh, absolutely," Tonks informs him. "I'm gonna be the one covering your sorry arse in a few years. Once I pass all my exams and become an Auror."

"You, an Auror? All the Dark wizards will hear your clumsy self coming from a mile away."

"Shut up and let me dream, will you? Besides, even if they do hear me coming, who's going to suspect an innocent little old lady?" Tonks screws her face up and clenches her fists, and Charlie is as amazed as ever as he watches her transform. Hair slowly turns to white, and wrinkles fade into view and spread slowly down her face and neck, but when she opens her eyes she is still undoubtedly Tonks, with her cheery sparkle and everlasting happiness. "Wanna watch an old woman climb a tree? It's magical."

"I'm sure it is," Charlie tells her. "And you can explain to our Heads of House why we just had to go into the Forbidden Forest; we just had to watch an old woman climb a tree."

"Coward, coward, coward," Tonks says, moving quicker now into the treeline, her bouncy step slowed by the appearance of age.

"Hey, I never said I wasn't going to do it." 

They climb together, a contest to see who can go higher, who can go faster, who can cross the finish line first. Charlie wonders how this girl didn't end up in Gryffindor, with her uncontained spirit and neverending trouble.

"Because I wanted to be a Puff," she says, when he asks her, when they are lying on the forest floor together, staring up through the leafy canopy at the slowly setting sun. "Gryffindor's just so out there, you know? I like to fly under the radar."

Charlie chuckles. "Somehow I have a hard time believing that."

"Everyone expects Gryffindors to get into trouble," Tonks says, rolling onto her side to look at him. "Hufflepuffs are easier to overlook. And besides, I always put fairness first. So why shouldn't I be in Puff?"

"I don't know," he replies, turning his head. "I suppose I'd just rather have you in my house."

"You see too much of me as it is," she teases. "At this rate, people will start getting the wrong idea about us."

Charlie turns and lifts himself up on one elbow, grinning over at her as a sense of contentment washes over him. "Oh, yeah? What sort of wrong idea, exactly?"

"You know, that we're madly in love or something." She pulls a face of disgust, and although it is a reaction to the idea of him, Charlie still finds it endearing.

He laughs. "You mean you aren't madly in love with me?" His tone is joking, silly, as though it is ridiculous, but his heart is racing and he is desperately trying not to stare at her lips, not to want her as badly as he suddenly does.

"Oh, yes," Tonks says, rolling her eyes and laughing. "I want to have your babies, Charlie Weasley. Couldn't you tell by how I dote on you so? Couldn't you see how madly I need your touch?"

"Of course I could," he says. "It's in every glance you give me. It rolls off you in waves, desire for my manly form."

This sets Tonks off into an even louder burst of laughter; she rolls over and clutches her stomach with it. Charlie cannot help but laugh along, until their peals of it are ringing through the forest. Somehow, they end up closer, laughing into each other's faces, until suddenly they are too close and they are no longer laughing. "Tonks," Charlie says quietly, and he reaches out to her.

"No," she says, and pulls away from him, and there is fear in her eyes.

He feels it too, a tearing pain in his chest, the spike of fear that he has ruined everything with one simple word, the plaintive calling of a name. "Sorry," he says, moving away from her, hugging his knees to his chest. "Didn't mean to scare you off."

There is silence, and he fights himself not to look at her, not to show how much he needs to see what she is thinking and feeling. Somewhere over the past year he has gotten to know her so well that he could know everything from just a single glance; yet now when he needs that ability most, he will not allow himself to try it. He can't bear to see her rejection of him, and he cannot fathom what the reason must be. All he can do is sit there and wait for her to say something, do anything. It is getting late and they should be leaving the woods, but he cannot move. Fear and yearing root him to the spot, another lonely tree in the forest.

Suddenly she sighs, an explosive puff of air that makes his heart stop briefly, and he looks before he has time to stop his reflexes. She looks angry, which surprises him a little bit. "Fuck, I should have known this was going to happen. You are such a _boy_ , Charlie."

"Well, yeah," he says, and her anger makes him angry as well. "What did you expect? You're incredible and I'm a boy." His voice twists on the last word. "Of course I'm half in love with you. I couldn't possibly have helped it. I suppose this means you have to let me down easy now and run off into the sunset without me? Guess I'm too boring to be a proper boyfriend for the likes of you."

"Oh, come off it," Tonks snaps. She climbs awkwardly to her feet, teetering slightly before leaning against a tree. "It's nothing against you, Mr. Wonderful. It's just who I am, all right? I'm not interested in dating boys."

"In love with a man, then, are you? Old Dumbles do it for you?" He's being cruel now, and he hates himself for it, but the words spill out of him as though he's been doused in Babbling Beverage. He jumps to his feet and dusts his robes off, looking away from her. He shifts from one foot to another.

"If I did like 'em old, McGoogles is more my speed," Tonks says, her voice cold, and when Charlie's head snaps up in shock she is already walking away, the bounce gone from her step.

"Hey, wait!" He is off and running, passing her and cutting off her step, stepping into her space as he makes his demands. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? What are you?"

"What _am_ I?" Her eyes are wide. " _What_ am I?"

He feels a rush of sharp guilt. "I didn't mean it like that," he says quietly.

"It's clear what you think about dykes, though, isn't it?" She grins, but her expression is entirely without humor. "Nice to know I've been friends with a bigot. Want to harp on my blood status now, too? My dad's Muggleborn, you know."

"Stop that," Charlie says, huffing in frustration. "I'm sorry, all right? It's just surprising. So...you are a...interested in women? Like, _interested_ in them?"

"Uh, yeah," Tonks replies, as though he's an idiot. "Sorry if that bursts your little bubble of the perfection of me. I'm clumsy and Hufflepuff and bent as a broken fiddle." She strikes a glamorous pose and spreads her arms wide. "Welcome to Tonksbourough, population me. Hope you enjoy your stay."

"Okay," Charlie says, nodding as he attempts to digest this walloping blow of a new idea. "Okay, then."

"Okay, then?" Tonks tilts her head curiously. "Okay, so you'll just turn off the bit of your brain that's half in love with me?" She points between his legs. "And parts south?"

Charlie feels himself flush – the old Weasley giveaway – and puts his hands over his crotch. "I can try my best," he says. "After all, we've gotten on all right so far, haven't we?"

"Sure, but that was before I had to wonder every minute if I was inadvertently giving you a rush of blood to the wrong place." She smiles, and he can see her anger fading. "Before I had to wonder if you'd look at me like some kind of mad freak." She puts her hands on her hips. "I couldn't tell you before because I wasn't sure how you would react. Or maybe because I wasn't sure how _I_ would react. It's been a trip, let me tell you, figuring this little tidbit out about myself. So, you know, some friendly support would be nice. But can you handle it?"

He feels that old familiar rush again and its deja vu; it's innocence, it's the challenge, it's the dare to climb a tree. "I can handle anything you throw at me, Tonks," he says firmly. "Try it and you'll see."

"Well, all right, then," she replies, and they walk off together, heading back to the castle in the waning light. "We'll give it a shot. But if you try to kiss me again, I will cut the cord. I also know a lot of hexes. Just saying." She winks at him.

"I wouldn't dream of being on the wrong end of a spell from your wand," Charlie says with a laugh.

**

In the darkness, in the curtains, he tosses and turns, eyes screwed up shut as though he could magically bring himself to sleep without potions or spells if only he could close his eyes hard enough.

Behind those closed lids lies the image of Tonks smiling, Tonks laughing and Tonks lounging in the upper branches of a tree, sticking her tongue out at him as she kicks her legs in her excitement. In his brain she is branded, his closest friend and the only woman he has ever fantasized about. How could he ever have not realized how he felt about her; how could he ever have thought that he wasn't really in love with her? She brings his soul to life in every moment.

He cannot imagine a life without her by his side, and now a mysterious shadow has joined them, the shadow of the woman that someday Tonks will choose over him. He will love her and she will love another, and there is nothing he can do, because he's _such a boy._

He can live that way; he can walk beside her as a friend and be happy. But what will he do in these sleepless nights, when his cock aches for the feel of her around him? He reaches his hand inside his briefs and yanks himself to an orgasm, imagining Tonks and her faceless female lover fucking just for him. 

A wave of shame crashes over him after he is done, and he still will not sleep, for the swirling thoughts consume and confuse him. In the darkness, in the curtains, he is far more lost than he will be by light of day. In the sunlight he can pretend that everything is fine, and the mind believes it.

But truths like to creep back around at night.

**

"That one?" Charlie asks, leaning back in his chair, the back legs tilting precariously.

"Nah," Tonks replies, chewing on the end of her quill. "Too rosy."

He laughs. "What does that mean? Her cheeks are too red? She smells too much like flowers?"

"I don't know," she says with a shrug. "She's just too sweet. I rather fancy someone with a bit of an edge, you know?"

"Ah, you like the bad girls," Charlie says, with a mischievious smirk. He points to her. "We have that in common."

She rolls her eyes. "Stop it," she says. "You know I hate when you do that."

"Sorry, love," he replies casually, taking a sip of his beer. "How about that one, then?"

Tonks swats him on the arm with a laugh. "You can't pick me out a wife, mate," she says. "And keep your voice down; the women are starting to notice your interest."

"Coward, coward, coward," he teases, leaning in closer to her. "Can't have the patrons of an innocent tavern know there's a lesbian in their midst, can we? Gotta keep that one close to the chest. You'll never catch a woman that way. That's why I'm here to help you out."

"Charlie," she says warningly, shaking her finger in his face. "You've had far too much to drink. Give me your glass."

"Hey," he protests, as she snatches his drink from him and downs it herself. "Who do you think you are, my Mum?"

"If I were your Mum, you would never have even set foot in this place," Tonks replies, laughing again. "Can you imagine sweet little Molly in a seedy pub? She'd faint just looking at the dust on the counter, never mind everything else."

"That old gal's tougher than she seems," Charlie told her. "Believe me. She'd give you a run for your Galleons."

"I do believe it," Tonks tells him, grinning. "But in all seriousness, my dear friend, I do have training in the morning. Wouldn't want to start with too bad a hangover, would I? That would make a terrible first impression."

"One more, then," Charlie insists, waving his hand for the bartender. "To your first day of Auror training. May you make the best impression. Hopefully you'll only break something twice."

"I could start with your face," Tonks threatens, and they both laugh as they raise their glasses in a toast.

**

Over the years he has buried it so deep that he's even fooled himself. He watches as she kisses a stranger with open mouths and wandering hands, and it doesn't bother him. He watches as she flirts with her female friends, as she playfully teases, and it doesn't bother him. He puts his arm around her when they walk together, and she leans against his shoulder with a happy little sigh, and it doesn't bother him.

Still, he's never been in love with anybody else. His mother pushes him and his brothers tease him, and beautiful women smile and giggle and flip their hair when he passes, but none of it has any effect on him. He laughs and shrugs it off and says that he cares more for dragons than people.

Of course, he has had sex. He's a man, after all, and a man has urges that sometimes cannot be tamed. On those occasions, on those secret rendezvous with anonymous women, Charlie thinks about someone else and then pretends that he doesn't. He always feels that same sense of heavy shame when it is over, when the woman kisses him that one last time and he has to tell her to leave. And so he doesn't allow it to become a regular thing. He tells no one about these meetings, and he walks alone.

Tonks makes no remarks on his perceived celibacy. She makes no jokes and she suggests no women. It's because she knows the reason and refuses to dwell on it. If she said something, it would pull all the threads that tie them together, and all of their dysfunction would be laid bare to the world, bare to themselves. 

And so they both ignore the problem and they both remain together, best mates to the ends of the earth. Tonks swats him when he's cheeky and kisses his cheek when they part, and it doesn't bother him.

It doesn't bother either of them. Not in the daylight hours, anyway.

**

When he sees the ad in the paper, he is waiting for Bill to meet him in Diagon Alley for lunch. It is two months after he has finished school and he has no idea what he is going to do next with his life. Tonks has just begun Auror training and is already planning all of her future exploits. Charlie feels restless. He loves magical creatures but he doesn't know what he could possibly do with that; if he had to work in the Magical Menagerie he would die of boredom. And then he sees the ad in the paper.

By the time Bill arrives, flushed and ready to tell Charlie some exciting story about Curse-Breaking, no doubt, Charlie knows exactly what he is going to do next with his life. And he will match his brother Bill and his beloved Tonks with his exciting stories about his future exploits.

**

"Romania," Tonks says. Her voice is oddly flat.

"Isn't it brilliant, though? A whole new country and a whole new life. It's _dragons_ , Tonks. It'll be amazing." The thrill coursing through him slowly, slowly fades, as he looks at her and once again sees everything in her eyes. "What? You don't think I could handle it?"

"Of course you could," Tonks replies; she smiles, though it is somehow tinged with sadness. "You'd be the greatest dragon tamer in all the land."

"Dragon keeper," he corrects her. "Even I could never tame a dragon."

She shrugs. "Whichever."

Charlie huffs and scratches the back of his head. "Okay, what's up? Because you don't sound happy for me in the slightest. I was thrilled when you got into Auror training. Why can't you be thrilled for me?"

"I don't know." She looks uncomfortable. "It's just, Romania is so far away."

"Ah," says Charlie. "You think I'm abandoning you?"

"No." Tonks shakes her head. "That's not it at all. I just, we've been so close for so long, I don't know what I would do with you not being around anymore."

And suddenly he is furious. "So, what? I have to stay here and watch you land your dream job, fall in love with some gorgeous bird, get a new life and a new home, while I just stand by your side and support you with nothing in return, nothing for myself?"

"That's not what I mean at all," Tonks says loudly. "I just care about you and I'm going to miss your stupid arse, that's all."

"Yeah, well, I'm in love with you," Charlie replies, and stuns the both of them with the proclamation. It was supposed to be their unspoken burden; the unspoken buried layer to their friendship, the unspoken erumpent in the room. But Charlie is tired of waiting to be pierced, of waiting for everything to explode. "I've been in love with you since sixth year and I'm tired of pretending that everything's fine. I need to go out and find my own life, and stop mooning after you like someday you're just going to turn straight and marry me. It's not going to happen, is it?"

"Of course it's not going to happen," Tonks snaps back. "Sorry me being gay put so much of a burden on you. Sorry you had to sit there and watch while I dealt with prejudice and disgust from people."

"Stop it," Charlie says, putting his hand out, and half turning away from her. He takes a deep breath; his lungs hurt. "I'm going to Romania, and I'm not leaving you when we're angry at one another."

"Fine," Tonks replies, her voice biting, and she crosses her arms over her chest. They are silent for a moment; he looks at her and watches her anger fade. "I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted."

"So am I," Charlie tells her.

**

His mother is sobbing, and Charlie feels numb. He stares off into the distance, along the tracks, where soon a train will pull in and he will leave this life for a while. His siblings are hardly paying attention, playing a game of some sort on the platform, and as usual, the twins are at the center of the storm, cracking jokes and earning stern looks and berating from Mum.

"Just please promise you'll write us every day," Mum says, after once again yelling at Fred to get away from the edge of the tracks. She wipes her eyes with a handkerchief. "And visit every chance you get."

"I will, Mum," Charlie says, for the hundredth time.

"Yeah, make sure you pop back in to visit us," Fred says with a grin, eyeing George, who bursts into stifled laughter. Charlie rolls his eyes, knowing that they are laughing once again at his failed Apparition test, but one stern look from him and they go quiet, hands behind their backs with innocent expressions on their faces. Charlie nearly laughs; he's going to miss all of them so much.

But his future awaits, and he looks off into the distance, where the train is moving closer and the clouds drift across the sun. Charlie picks up his bag and takes a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air of a new day and trying not to wish that Tonks had come to see him off.

And then she is there, running towards him as the engine roars into the station, throwing her arms around him and burying her face into his neck. "Wotcher, Charlie," she says; her voice is muffled but he has the shock of thinking she might be crying.

"I didn't think you would come," he says quietly, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight, closing his eyes and savoring this moment, their last moment.

"Couldn't let you get away without one last tease," she says with a laugh, pulling back to look at him. Her eyes sparkle. "Try not to get too burned and beaten out there. Maybe keep one limb intact for a while."

"Oh, I'll try my best," Charlie replies, grinning back at her. "I'm gonna miss you, you know."

"I do know." Tonks closes in again, her lips brushing against his neck and up to his ear. Her last words to him are in a hissed whisper, desperate and sad: _"I wish I could have loved you."_

He will hold those words like a treasure in his heart, her voice circling around in his brain as he hugs his mother goodbye and boards the train to Romania. He thinks about dragons and his heart soars as he imagines his new life, filled with adventure and joy. He thinks about Tonks on her own in the world, and he hopes, honestly, that she finds someone she can love with the same intensity he feels for her.

Someday, he imagines, he will come back to England for a visit and see her, visit her in a quaint little home with a beautiful female partner, and it really won't bother him.

Or so he hopes.


End file.
